Wanted: One Mother\wife – like person to adopt a menagerie of men children and various forms of pooping\puking domestic wildlife. Successful applicants will be required to fulfill and undertake the following criteria-
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Be an arduous task master when it comes to scraping dried cereal from the floor and kitchen table
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Be adept at scrambling under beds and finding missing school ties and 35 over -due library books
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Expertly utilise an entire weeks worth of towels to sop up bathtub overflows. Sometimes blaming it on the kids, but occasionally confessing to a few too many wines and a little distraction known as Facebook
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Maintain a grown up, respectable telephone conversation with an “out sourced” Indian telephone operator, whilst silently separating fighting offspring with an expert arm yank
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Be able to keep a straight face during the most excruciating conversations with 5 year old boys about testicles and why it’s not a good idea to try and “pop” them!
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Convincingly appreciate (and keep forever!) the entire recycled waste of a small country (think Sweden) creatively fashioned into various forms of art presented to you on Mothers Day morning
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Successfully pretend to be going off to an office job as you go through the McDonald’s drive through for a coffee when in reality you merely going home to blog and Facebook
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Successfully feign interest when the MOTH (Man Of The House) is extolling the virtues of a square pie over a round pie
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Expertly hide yourself and the children in a darkened house as Mormons knock incessantly on the front door
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Be a Maven of emotional blackmail, frequently making statements like “everything I do for you kids, and I never get a thank you…………………..”
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Be able to forage through knee deep refuse on Xmas afternoon, looking for instructions for toys that were accidentally thrown out, despite the garbage bin smelling like a cat’s died in there!
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Happily provide expert medical care to pseudo sick family members whilst bleeding out ones’ own ears.
Clearly an exciting career opportunity for a highly motivated go getter. Wages are non existent, however the successful applicant will have unlimited access to mountains of cold leftovers.
Interested parties, should not bother contacting me, I’ve already left!
Ha, you couldn’t pay me to take that job…oh wait! I ALREADY have that job! Thanks for making me laugh once again!
I retired from the position of which you speak fourteen years ago only to accept another one very much like it. My new employers are boys. They range in age from six to fourteen years. And they are just as hard taskmasters as my previous employers–go figure, they were trained by them. I have to be honest; my new position is a hell of a lot more fun than the old one. Yes, that’s right. I am now the grandmother. And I am spoiling my old employers’ offspring rotten. You want candy–sure, here, you’ll be going home later. You want that very loud toy? Sure, here, you can take it home with you. McDonalds? Burger King? Why the hell not? Tell, Mommy and Daddy, Nan loves them. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Hey, what goes around comes around!