There’s just something about the cleavage.  Hypnotic in its appearance, it draws the eye, both male and female. 

A soft, warm place that takes us back to our early years where we sojourned in our mothers embrace. 

These days the cleavage has popped up in the most unexpected ways. 

 And I’m not sure I’m happy about it!

 

Cleavage that I like to see: 

 

• A lovely set of jiggling jubblies spilling lusciously from a satin gown?  Nice……

Cleavage on a bikini clad celebrity (similarly aged as myself)  looking fiiiiine!

 

Cleavage that I don’t! : 

 

• Front  bum cleavage commonly seen in skin tight acid wash faber jabbers (Faberges jeans for those unfamiliar with social uniform of the “Westie” or “bogan”)  Also known as the “camel toe“ 

• Back fat cleavage

• Cleavage enhancements

Now I’m not a booby discriminant.  If you need help in that area (I know I do) please make sure your “boobie aides” dont make an unexpected appearance. 

There’s nothing more off putting during a nice night out, trying to enjoy your chicken parmigiana  only to look up to see the lovely lady across from you displaying her own chicken fillets! 

• Toe cleavage! 

 To my mind this suggests you need to buy a pair of shoes that fit!  I mean isn’t toe cleavage really pandering to all those foot fetishists out there (weirdos!)

• Any cleavage that involves nips! 

If your nip decides  to come up for air during a social outing or heaven forbid a photo opportunity you probably should just invite everyone round to watch you in the shower! 

Coz everyone’s imagining you naked anyway. 

I’m just sayin’!

• Butt cleavage that involves any type of underwear! 

Big granny undies bunching up the top of your jeans and you run the risk of looking like you’ve had an accident with a parachute! 

And a G string……well that just leaves me with the impression that somehow you’ve gotten your underwear confused with one of those cheese cutter thingies. 

I mean its not call bum floss for nothing!

•  Boobies that threaten to smother my children.

 These can generally be found on yummy mummy types volunteering for school  tuckshop duty.  Whilst it is true that all men are boys, all boys are not men! 

 Your breast are rated M 18 years and over.  Stop trying to seduce my kids! .

  Unless of course you’re interested in finding out what it feels like to be drowned in a cafeteria sink? 

• Butt cleavage and variations of  butt cleavage . 

 For example:  3 inches of crack sliding out of  a young mums low rise jeans as she squats down to attend to her children in the middle of Mothers Day Mass is INAPPROPRIATE!

• Bad boob job cleavage

This includes lopsided, sunken and hot air balloon proportions.

• Over tanned Granny cleavage! 

Think  Joan Collins and Sophia Loren and Bridgette Bardot……now…….not then!

• Acne cleavage

• Scary cleavage

This involves any Janet Jackson-like piercings that threaten to remove an eye or puncture jumping castles at childrens’ parties.

• And finally any type of cleavage occurring on the male body. 

There’s just something a little off putting about a hairy G-stringed butt that can be a real distraction from an awesome set of man boobs……………………….(cringe!)