I saw an angel once.
From my bed, third from the left.
An endless row that sees us lined up like cattle awaiting a bolt through the head.
Mrs Jenkins on my left, Mrs Smith on my right. Both shallow little hillocks under their stiff, scratchy covers.
The nurses tiptoe past, their rubber soles squeaking on the shiny linoleum.
Grey ambient light settles over us, a gloom that blends us with the surrounds.
The staff pass us by, camouflaged they pretend not to see us
There’s a lot of snoring tonight. Old folk exhausted by endless days of sitting, and eating and dozing.
The ward is a bus stop. Somewhere to sit surrounded by strangers, while we wait for our ride..
Sister Andrews passes by. I smile at her, knowing full well that she will wake me in two hours for my sleeping pill.
She is my only physical contact .
Impersonal activities of daily living.
Like washing ones car.
In my earlier years I would have raged against the injustice.
Now I am resigned and grateful.
I have discovered that death is not eternal, but the waiting is.
Waiting passes the time. We wait for our pills, we wait for our meals. We wait for our loved ones.
We wait for Christmas, and we wait for it to be over.
Every day is a new waiting.
Ripe with waiting potential.
Eventually my lids betray me. Closing to open again tomorrow. Through blurry slits, I see my lashes.
My bed is like a coffin, and I am tucked in tight, like a child.
I rest for a time, feeling the rise and fall of my bird like chest.
I lay stiff and straight, a stranger in my bed, and eventually the sounds of commercialised care fade around me.
In a rush of heat, I am awake.
Through the murkiness of sleep a glow, incandescent fills the room like a sunset
An incredible pounding pushes forth from my chest, and a sound comes at me like a wind tunnel throbbing.
Above me like a full, ripe moon hangs beauty and terror.
Rising up with monolithic reverence, the air swirls and eddies, thick with angel dust
I gasp, sucking for escape, and feel my body might burst apart.
The air is warm and sweet, and as I breath it in I taste buttterscotch
I feel the whoosh of blood pulse through me, and as she reaches ivory fingertips towards my salty tears, I am gone.
Fainting and floating.
In her embrace, I am limp
I feel her lips press against my tired brow
Sobbing,
Mother has returned to take me home
