Have you ever heard something, on the television for example, that came as such a shock that you coughed, chocked and made red wine come out your nose?  Well I have, and I consider myself pretty unshockable.  It was nothing outrageous, more an indicator of cultural differences. 

Here’s the tale.

  I’m perched on a stool in my kitchen.  I call this “guarding my post.”  Technically I am sitting down, but to the children, I am in the kitchen, so I could be very busy, and so they don’t feel obliged to get me to do stuff for them.  So, I’m sipping my wine, appearing quite vigilant, whilst indulging in a little Bold and the Beautiful.  The kids think this is my show (so does my husband for that matter) which is ridiculous, but keeps them at bay for 30 minutes each day.

  Anyway, I’m sipping, when out of the blue, Ridge (chiseled faced philanderer who’s had it off with several wives and some step children!)  announces to another character (Valley or Crest or frikin’ Fjord!) that she’s not too old for a smack on the fanny! 

Cue the coughing and the nasal discharge Shiraz style. 

 Now alot of readers here right now, are from America, and this saying is used colloquially in the States.  Ya fanny is ya butt! 

 However…….(long pause)……(and this is where it gets interesting) in Australia, a smack on the fanny seems like just about the cruelest thing you could do.  And believe me, brings a tear to the eye of any woman who’s ever heard this saying!  

  Ya fanny is ya  va jay jay!  Yep, put into the context of giving it a smack seems like an extreme punishment, and kinda personal! 

“No thanks Dad!  Think I’ll skip the vagina smack for now if that’s ok with you!” 

Maybe our country is still in the midst of puberty (I mean we are still a very young country,  Hell we’re no Egypt!) because alot of the American slang makes us snicker.

  Another fine example is the term “We’re rooting for ya.”  Again I see this and I’m snorting to myself.  We know what it means.  “Go team Go!” 

In the land of Oz however a “root” is a sexual term, and most Australian women could attest to being “hit up” for  a “root” by their partners as teenagers. ”Wanna root?”   Hell my husband used the term not 2 weeks ago! 

So when the Yanks use the term “we’re rooting for ya!”, all I can imagine is a husband giving his wife a good solid shag, with every thrust “Go Redsox”! 

 It’s even worse if someone says they’re rooting for YOU!  Yikes.  Don’t do it for me!

On a less immature note, a flip flop is what a fish does.  In Australia, it’s called a thong.  And yet if we showed our American friends a thong and asked them to put it on, they’d be some funny walking and alot of chafing!

I don’t really mind though, coz in the privacy of my own home I can get all Beavis and Butthead about it!  I do though, resent being reminded in person when an American uses these terms in front of me. I’m obligated, as is my civic duty, to correct the poor soul, saving them further ridicule as they travel this incredibly mature and cultured country. 

Their response is not one of gratitude, it’s more like….”Are you retarded?” 

And I think to myself….”Yes.  Yes we are!”

So according to some clever statistician (the kind who works out things you never wanted to know) we (humans) unintentionally eat “up to a couple of kilos of bugs” in our food every year!    What?!?  You wash, you rinse and you cook (man we’re cooking them now?), if you could you’d disinfect.  But know matter how careful you are, you’re still eating them!  In fact said statistician then went on to further point out that accidently eating an aphid is “almost always harmless!”

With these facts in mind, I have begun a quest.  As a means of sticking in your head for a little longer than the nano second it usually takes you to read this blog, I thought I’d trawl the Wide Wide World of Web for  more mentally scarring information.  A word of warning though!  There may be some material that  Americans, men and Star Trek fans may find offensive.

• The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Hence beginning the worlds longest man versus elephant feud!

• A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Is this the animal equivalent of “blue balls?”

• A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

And not their feet as was once commonly believed.

• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Commonly known as “stunned” blinking.  Stunned at the stupid things a fella says.

• Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

Yes, but do they use their indicators?

• Porcupines float in water!

Right now I’m imagining a whole heap of punctured liloes beside the pool at the Porcupine Hyatt.

• The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur!

Same goes for my husband!

• On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!

I think that’s happened to me a few times

• Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

Not to mention potential for asphyxiation

• Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

I wonder if you get to pick which men?

• Nutmeg can extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Beware of  assassins smelling of  eggnog!

• The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

• The Bible has been translated into Klingon….

“And on the seventh day, God said ‘Live long and prosper’”

• Each day there are 120 million sex acts taking place all over the world!

Personally I don’t care, as long as some of it’s happening to me, and none of it to my Mum and Dad!

With that last thought wedged firmly in my mind…pass us the bucket of aphids would you?!

I always find that statistics are hard to follow and impossible to digest.The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable. ~ Mrs. Robert A. Taft