Ever had one of those friends that you know likes you more than you like them? The kind of friend that still talks about the first time you met, and uses both your kids and their kids names in the same sentence as if they are friends, despite the fact that her kids are the kinds of kids that grown ups mutter about at parties? No? Well, I’ve suddenly become the proud owner of a new, unwanted, and dull as dishwater friend! Great you might say! At least if she’s dull she won’t have much to say. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
When we first discovered this “fascinating” individual (a work acquaintance) people noted how she and I would get along swimmingly, both being fans of the loquacious. Instead though, I found myself wanting to turn and flee whenever she entered the room.
And when she does enter, she’s so happy to see me. She brings wine for us to share, and sends books home that she thinks I may like. And instead of being grateful, I feel my skin trying to back out of the room at the sound of her voice. Why you may ask? Well let me tell you. This woman can talk. Correction, this woman can talk at an accelerated rate that only crack addicts freebasing speed guzzling espresso on the Concord could follow.
A woman whose mouth works at a rocket propelled grenade velocity. Who takes a breath in when you start speaking, and holds it till you take a breath, and then blows your conversation clean out of the water.
Most topics of choice include
“Every conversation I ever had”
“Why what you just said was wrong”
“Nobody knows as much as me”
And….
“How my constant correcting and interrupting will make the world a better place!”
I think she thinks I’m awesome because I tend to stay quiet when she’s around. I mean what’s not to like about someone who lets you dominate the conversation? I think maybe she thinks I’m hanging on her every fascinating word. Truth is I’ve drifted off into a coma. Dreaming of meeting Johnny Depp in the Land of Chocolate in my new Prada heels! Meanwhile she’s still blabbing on (heaven forbid she actually talk about something someone else might be interested in) and hasn’t realized that I’m dousing myself in gasoline in the seat next to her (Flying High style). Honestly, isn’t listening to boring conversations the reason I got married?
Initially I thought maybe I felt a bit over shadowed. I mean, in my world, I’m the shiniest thing in it! I’m interesting with a bit of quirk, and I don’t mind if people think I’m a bit oddball. So a diversion, like a mind numbing conversation about the “combustion engine,” can really be a stick in the spokes of my awesome bike ride through crazy town.
Truth is, I know when I’m beat. She can have the grey old limelight and all the exasperated eye rolling that goes with it. I still think I’m awesome, but in a non talking way. A bit like a mute superiority complex.
Tedious, having to spend time with someone who thinks they know it all, when clearly; I’ve got that base covered! But, you see, now I’m a grown up. So…”ppffffttt!” to her!
