There’s just something about the cleavage.  Hypnotic in its appearance, it draws the eye, both male and female. 

A soft, warm place that takes us back to our early years where we sojourned in our mothers embrace. 

These days the cleavage has popped up in the most unexpected ways. 

 And I’m not sure I’m happy about it!

 

Cleavage that I like to see: 

 

• A lovely set of jiggling jubblies spilling lusciously from a satin gown?  Nice……

Cleavage on a bikini clad celebrity (similarly aged as myself)  looking fiiiiine!

 

Cleavage that I don’t! : 

 

• Front  bum cleavage commonly seen in skin tight acid wash faber jabbers (Faberges jeans for those unfamiliar with social uniform of the “Westie” or “bogan”)  Also known as the “camel toe“ 

• Back fat cleavage

• Cleavage enhancements

Now I’m not a booby discriminant.  If you need help in that area (I know I do) please make sure your “boobie aides” dont make an unexpected appearance. 

There’s nothing more off putting during a nice night out, trying to enjoy your chicken parmigiana  only to look up to see the lovely lady across from you displaying her own chicken fillets! 

• Toe cleavage! 

 To my mind this suggests you need to buy a pair of shoes that fit!  I mean isn’t toe cleavage really pandering to all those foot fetishists out there (weirdos!)

• Any cleavage that involves nips! 

If your nip decides  to come up for air during a social outing or heaven forbid a photo opportunity you probably should just invite everyone round to watch you in the shower! 

Coz everyone’s imagining you naked anyway. 

I’m just sayin’!

• Butt cleavage that involves any type of underwear! 

Big granny undies bunching up the top of your jeans and you run the risk of looking like you’ve had an accident with a parachute! 

And a G string……well that just leaves me with the impression that somehow you’ve gotten your underwear confused with one of those cheese cutter thingies. 

I mean its not call bum floss for nothing!

•  Boobies that threaten to smother my children.

 These can generally be found on yummy mummy types volunteering for school  tuckshop duty.  Whilst it is true that all men are boys, all boys are not men! 

 Your breast are rated M 18 years and over.  Stop trying to seduce my kids! .

  Unless of course you’re interested in finding out what it feels like to be drowned in a cafeteria sink? 

• Butt cleavage and variations of  butt cleavage . 

 For example:  3 inches of crack sliding out of  a young mums low rise jeans as she squats down to attend to her children in the middle of Mothers Day Mass is INAPPROPRIATE!

• Bad boob job cleavage

This includes lopsided, sunken and hot air balloon proportions.

• Over tanned Granny cleavage! 

Think  Joan Collins and Sophia Loren and Bridgette Bardot……now…….not then!

• Acne cleavage

• Scary cleavage

This involves any Janet Jackson-like piercings that threaten to remove an eye or puncture jumping castles at childrens’ parties.

• And finally any type of cleavage occurring on the male body. 

There’s just something a little off putting about a hairy G-stringed butt that can be a real distraction from an awesome set of man boobs……………………….(cringe!)

 

 

 

 

 

 Wanted:  One Mother\wife – like person to adopt a menagerie of men children and various forms of pooping\puking domestic wildlife.  Successful applicants will be required to fulfill and undertake the following criteria-

 

• Be an arduous task master when it comes to scraping dried cereal from the floor and kitchen table

 

• Be adept at  scrambling under beds and finding missing school ties and 35 over -due library books

 

•  Expertly utilise an entire weeks worth of towels to sop up bathtub overflows.  Sometimes blaming  it on the kids, but occasionally confessing to  a  few too many wines and a little distraction known as Facebook

 

•  Maintain a grown up, respectable telephone conversation with an “out sourced” Indian telephone operator, whilst silently separating fighting offspring with an expert arm yank

 

• Be able to keep a straight face during the most excruciating conversations with 5 year old boys about testicles and why it’s not a good idea to try and “pop” them!

 

• Convincingly appreciate (and keep forever!) the entire recycled waste of a small country (think Sweden) creatively fashioned  into various forms of art presented to you on Mothers Day morning 

 

• Successfully pretend to be going off to an office job as you go through the McDonald’s drive through for a coffee when in reality you merely going home to blog and Facebook

 

• Successfully  feign interest when the MOTH (Man Of The House)  is extolling the virtues of a square pie over a round pie

 

• Expertly hide yourself and the children in a darkened house as Mormons knock incessantly on the  front door

 

• Be a Maven  of emotional blackmail, frequently making statements like “everything I do for you kids, and I never get a thank you…………………..”

 

• Be  able to forage through knee deep refuse on Xmas afternoon, looking for instructions for toys that were accidentally thrown out, despite the garbage bin smelling like a cat’s died in there!

 

• Happily provide expert medical care to pseudo sick family members whilst bleeding out ones’ own ears. 

 

Clearly an exciting career opportunity for a highly motivated go getter.  Wages are non existent, however the successful applicant will have unlimited access to mountains of cold leftovers.

 

Interested parties, should not bother contacting me, I’ve already left!