As the eldest of three girls in my family, the advice dished out to me by my mother always had an interesting tinge to it. Particularly in my pre-teen years, when the awkward question came thick and fast, her responses while always prompt and accurate-ish, were sometimes a little peculiar.
For example:
As a young woman it is important to NEVER shave above your knees. Why? Well according to the philosophy of Mum, it’s uncomfortable for your husband in bed! At twelve years of age, I could care less about my husbands comfort, and told her so. She insisted that I wasn’t getting her point. I assured her I did….and I still didn’t care. Still don’t!
Something I never understood was the constant referring to the dictionary. It was like the 70s parents bible to half assed parenting! “Muuuum, how do you spell complicated?” Response? “Look it up in the dictionary!” Are you freakin’ serious? What is it, a state secret? I doubt ASIO is waiting anxiously for parents Australia wide to slip up and give there kids a straight answer for once! If there was ever a time when kids should have been permitted to slap their parent swiftly up the side of the head..this was it!
Never drink wine and eat watermelon at the same time. Apparently it’s not the copious amounts of alcohol consumed that leads to nausea and vomiting the next day. It’s the watermelon fermenting in your stomach!
Only boring people get bored! Truthfully, I actually believe this to be true. However at the time, I was severally tempted to point out how boring in fact that saying was!
“Oral sex….is talking about it!” Well obviously. This statement was followed by..”And that’s not a very polite question.” Awkward!
Young ladies always sit with their legs closed. Now I know this is a fairly traditional standard. To my mind though, a man has way more to show off. Having sat across from several exposed gonads in my time, I can assure you that a bit of pink lace (and the occasional Hello Kitty) are much preferable. And less likely to be permanently etched on the psyche!
Dry cleaning is a scam! Actually this is one of my own Mumisms. The MOTH is a dry cleaning fanatic, but is always disappointed with the returned result. I can only shake my head at his naïveté and remind him that all dry cleaning involves is hanging your clothes out in the fresh air.
On a side note, my nine year old recently explained to me that women use sanitary napkins in case they wet themselves on the way to the toilet! Seems like I’ve got some awkward explaining of my own to do! Wish me luck!
